Greetings from Ireland! Yesterday was a perfectly archetypal spring day, with fleeting showers followed by bursts of sunshine, followed again by more showers. My heart sank with every squall and swooned with every sunburst but the overall emotional trajectory was a positive one – I will take short spells of sunshine, even if interspersed with showers, over the dull foreboding greyness which often prevails on this island.
This week, speaking of sunny contentment, I’m writing about happiness and what I’ve learned about it in recent years – enjoy!
For those of you who like bullet points and headings, here is a little list of what I will write about today:
Obtaining vs cultivating
The Übermensch Contradiction
The power of simple pleasures
Gentle Reader,
Tolstoy said that unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique way, and I think this is true of individuals, too. The road to discontent is therefore quite personal, even if the themes, motifs and patterns are often universal.
The human is a social animal: we live in societies. It is therefore not surprising that the expectations and comparisons implicit in day-to-day life, and the media we consume, take hold and influence our thoughts, behaviours and dreams.
We can see for example, that social media has a very definite negative influence on the mental health of young people, particularly teenage girls. The images presented by these apps and websites locate the individual weak spot of every consumer, and find a way to make him or her feel bad.
I can see that many of my beliefs about what makes people happy were misplaced. I thought that the way to feel good was to ‘get’ ‘good’ things, both material and immaterial. Inevitably, when I got what I wanted, the would-be portals to happiness ironically became became portals to dissatisfaction.
As a society, we really have been deceived, en masse, in this respect. Speaking for myself, it took me a lot longer than it should have to understand that the best things in life are often free and simple, that they must be cultivated and given time to fully blossom.
Obtaining vs Cultivating
There is a tension between things you can ‘obtain’ and things you can ‘cultivate.’ The latter is the not-so-secret sauce.
I once believed that I needed to ‘get’ a good job, an attractive girlfriend, a big house. I now understand that what’s more interesting and rewarding is carving out a role, in work, in life, or developing a relationship with someone, be it friendly or romantic, or having a place which I have made my own, due to the work I have put into it.
Humans value what they have worked on or developed a relationship with and this applies to material objects too, which is why we develop a connection to cars and often name them, and we feel sad when we see them rattling off down the road with a new owner.
This idea, however, doesn’t sell, and so doesn’t gain traction. The present writer did not see the distinction until the recent past and so I often quit things because I did not like them, be they jobs, relationships, countries…because I saw everything as a pre-packaged good, rather than something which could be cultivated or worked on, which I could find a way to shape or to fit into my life.
For example, if I had frustrations at work, rather than working on the pain points, communicating with others, and finding ways around the issue, my tendency was to quit. I saw the same problem with relationships, which was a hint that the origins of the conflict were sometimes internal.
I did not realise that the best way out is by going through.
The decisions I made were sometimes justifiable, but not always. I did not know about cultivation, and I did not see that a life without stress or anxieties is possible only in death, which is not life at all.
The Übermensch Contradiction
Socialite and non self-made billionaire Dan Bilzerian was recently recorded talking about how his thoughts about women, sex, love, relationships have evolved. As an influencer, his photos of hanging out on yachts surrounded by young and lithe-limbed women were the envy of a whole Instagram generation of young men. But Bilzerian, despite having access to many eligible bachelorettes, concluded that a meaningful relationship with one woman was the right approach for him.
In the quote below, we see how his views shifted over time. He obtained access to many women, but did not develop a meaningful relationship with any of them, and in the end this was not fulfilling, even if it seemed great at the start.
“I had this image in my mind growing up of how awesome that this would be. What I kind of landed on was that I think it’s better to have a monogamous relationship, as strange as that is coming from me.”
In the long run, it was the more traditional, monogamous, relationship style which he found to be more rewarding.
“You got two choices. You can do whatever you want and be free…and it’s just purely sexual and whatever. Or I think you can find a girl that you enjoy spending time with and that you actually trust each other…I think it’s unlikely to find a woman that is okay with you sleeping with other women for the right reasons.”
To give credit to Bilzarian, he fell into the same trap that many others would have have succumbed to, too, in similar circumstances. Fame and money are intoxicating to the brain, and he probably believed that by becoming an all-powerful and all-desirable Übermensch, he would be happy, but it was not so. Like any other person, he had basic needs and, even though his status granted him access to experiences which he thought would improve his life, this status also made it hard for him to develop relationships ‘for the right reasons’ and so it was actual barrier to contentment. He fell victim to what I will call the Übermensch Contradiction:
The Übermensch Contradiction: many problems in life are not solved by money, power or status; conversely they may be inflated by them.
His social media persona clashed with the real person he was inside, the man buried under the rockfall of catastrophic wealth and status, buried under a public persona which created broadcasted images of his sensuous and fun experiences to the world. On the surface, this life looked extremely appealing, but deep down, Bilzerian was left wanting.
Simple Pleasures
It’s fascinating to me how mundane the things that make me happy are, now, but it takes a core of stability in life to be able to enjoy them.
The anxious man will take scant solace by the joyful sound of a babbling brook because his inner monologue will tune it out. A happy work, social, and romantic life is the foundation, and an ability to look back on the past, tinged with bittersweet, gives us the power to enjoy what we have, to listen to the birdsong outside.
I see now a great power in cultivation, stability, safe adventures, and cups of coffee by a sunlit window – maybe it’s part of growing up. Incorporating an outlook like this, however, doesn’t mean that I no longer strive, but the striving is contextualised, and no longer takes place under the fervid glow of candlelit midnight aspirations, and there is a sweetness in knowing, when I see something that seems glamorous or exciting, that it can no longer exert a magnetic effect on me. It feels good to see something, and let it wash over you, powerlessly.
Now, the desire for high-octane experiences becomes ever weaker; the desire to dig ponds and look at birds and trees grows immeasurably stronger. Maybe, gentle reader, the testosterone is wearing off, or the men in white coats will soon be knocking at the door?
They may rest assured that I will go gentle into that good night.
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Wise thoughts and interesting, as always. 👏🏼